Welp, Maybe Next Year. Coachella 2010

Coachella. For Southern California music lovers, it’s kind of like the one band you must see before you die – except that it’s 130 bands, and you have to wait until the three-day festival is over before you bite the dust. This festival is mammoth. Having just celebrated it’s 11th year, Coachella is held in Indio, Ca on the Empire Polo Club’s sprawling 90-acre property, and the damn thing just keeps getting bigger. It was reported that last weekend’s festival (yes, 2010′s already happened…where do you live, under a rock?) drew roughly 75,000 attendees PER DAY, a statistic that kicks last year’s attendance stats by nearly 15,000.

For us here at Best of Fest, it seems like Coachella has always been there – it’s first and second triumphs in 1999 and 2001 (2000 was skipped, most likely due to finances) happened to be during our awkward transitions from middle school to high school, a magical time in the life of a teenager where the music beyond your parents’ cassette drawer is discovered and explored. We remember hearing about the festival on KROQ and MTV (RIP, dear TRL) – the insane lineups, the frenzy to get tickets, the crazy idea that you stand out in the middle of a field for three days in a row in 100º+ temps to hear your favorite bands. It was pure genius from the beginning, and 2003′s event became the biggest yet thanks to headliners like Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Beastie Boys and the kicker – a reunited Iggy and the Stooges.

Because of the insane success of 2003′s event, the Coachella organizers seem to focus on topping the insane lineups of the previous year’s celebration; Exhibit A: Madonna, 2006. Exhibit B: a reunited Rage Against the Machine, 2007. Exhibit C: Paul McCartney + The Cure, 2009. This year’s roster featured a little ol’ man named Jay-Z, the Gorillaz and the crushing rock amalgamation that is Them Crooked Vultures, plus alternative phenomenon Phoenix and, don’t forget, Sly Stone & Friends. In hindsight, it would have been worth the $300 to see these professionals in action.

“EXCUSE ME??” you say, “You guys call yourselves Best of Fest, you’re telling us about Coachella, and you didn’t even GO?” No, dear and faithful friends, we did not attend the concert. Call us stupid, call us cheap. Tell us that YOU went and that YOU know all about the inner workings of this magical land of music, intoxication, dirt and glitter. Now zip it.

We know this. We know we dropped the ball on the whole “buying tickets for something you need tickets for” thing, but we wouldn’t truly be Best of Fest unless we took advantage of the system in some way to entertain you. So saddle up and settle in as we take you to a place that many ‘Chella-ites don’t get to see.

Our un-Coachella weekend began with a jittery drive from Orange County out to Palm Desert. With thoughts racing and Lauren’s road rage coming to a boiling point in the increasing traffic, our date with destiny began slipping through the cracks. You see, a great family friend had arranged an interview between Best of Fest and Josh Homme, frontman of Queens of the Stone Age and member of Coachella headliners Them Crooked Vultures. Have you ever noticed what beautiful teeth Mr. Homme has? Well, it’s because his dentist is Dr. Bruce Baumann, DDS, a dear friend of Lauren’s dad since high school and the orchestrator of said interview. Thanks to the traffic and Them Crooked Vultures’ early Friday night set time, the interview was canned and our hopes of a breakthrough Best of Fest piece dashed. We were disappointed, but the Baumanns eased our pain with ice cold Samuel Adams and the promise that we would get our Coachella story from a different point of view – the after parties. First up, the Coachella Oasis shindig at the Merv Griffin mranchion. (Get it? It’s a mansion and a ranch!)

Still bummin’ about our missed interview opportunity, the thumping music and cold beverages beckoning from Merv’s pad seemed like they might put us in the right spot. Mr. Griffin was always a classy guy (hello, JEOPARDY?), so we were expecting a little more than red cups and beer pong upon our arrival. We were chauffered a la casa Merv in what we were pretty certain was the Dumb & Dumber limo, accompanied by a bunch of people we had just met and many of whom seemed to be sporting southern accents. Among them, pro football/baseball player Josh Booty, our “social director” for the weekend, and some suspicious-looking/acting chicks that may or may not have been paid for their company.

The party was decadent on many levels; a tremendous and ostentatious space with copious amounts of food, an open bar and beautiful people every which way you turned. We were stoked to be there at first, but upon separation from our new friends, we started to realize that all these beautiful people actually kinda sucked. Chips were firmly planted on shoulders and everyone seemed to be in their own important worlds. We talked for a bit to someone claiming to be Josh Harnett’s agent, learning the so-called ways of cool-dom and being introduced to the man who “owns” Hollywood – Mike Boogie, owner of the Dolce Group. It was all well and good, but about an hour and a half in we heard Del Taco whispering our names in the wind and decided to peace out. On our way to the car we figured we’d try to interview some peeps, and encountered this lovely lady we’ve dubbed “Coachella-tard,” a fine end to our strange day.

Saturday provided a new and hopefully productive day for Best of Fest. After an incredible breakfast spread and a few adult beverages by the pool, we decided to go get a glimpse of Coachella ourselves and visit some of our friends at the camp ground. The Baumanns graciously lent us a Coachella wristband and we had heard grumbles that people were sneaking in very easily, so we had whimsical fantasies about hopping fences and rocking out. After being turned away at the gate to enter the campgrounds/concert site, some volunteer informed us that our pink wristbands from Merv’s party would grant us access to the VIP area inside. BITCHIN’ right?! A sweltering twenty minute walk later, we learned this was not the case. Thanks fer nothin’, man.

Considering the course of our weekend thus far, it seemed to be our destiny that on Saturday evening things might not work out as planned. True to form, our mondo group rolled up to the party entrance, the two unnecessarily bitchy girls quickly bolted from the pack (so as not be associated with us lowlies), and the guy that was supposed to get us in didn’t seem to be on the list. As we stood there and watched hipster after hipster gain entrance, our hopes trickled away and our chances of admittance to the Neon Carnival looked increasingly glum. Just when it seemed time to throw in the towel, resident group celebrity Josh Booty saved the day using his skillful contacts to bring in us little people.

What appeared before our eyes upon entering the airport hangar was a childhood dream that managed to get way better with the luxuries of adulthood. The sighs of relief upon getting in quickly transformed into high-pitched “EEEEEEE’s” as we realized that Neon Carnival had it ALL — rides, games, fully stocked open bars and drunk munchie carnival food by the likes of Chipotle, Fat Burger, funnel cakes, and even Moose Munch.

We didn’t know where to start. Actually that’s not true, we started at the bar, duh. Ciroc vodka/oranges in hand, we did a lap and scoped out the scene. We won Nalgene’s from the Brita booth, got free Moose Munch from a real nice gal named Kiely, and even snagged us some free t-shirts. As we looped past the giant slide, we happened upon the first celebrity sighting of the evening– the one and only David Hasselhoff! We were about to inform him that Fat Burger was there in case he decided upon a late night binge and snack, but he quickly boarded the giant slide and gave us the thrill of our lives. Lucky for you, we got vid coverage of it. For your viewing pleasure:

At that point, we realized the night was just gonna keep improving. We annihilated some mofo’s on the bumper cars, got a few more drinks running through our veins, and Lauren even rode the Moose Munch mechanical bull. We spotted Cisco Adler by the port-a-potties, watched Josh Henderson ham it up whilst hawking product after product, and saw Brittany Snow doing the obligatory step and repeat near the entrance. Shayna’s dreams were wholeheartedly realized at this party–celebrities left and right, free booze, delicious snackings, free stuff and RIDES! RIDES! RIDES! Lauren enjoys the majority of these things (minus celebrities and rides) but her biggest thrill came from the likes of these fine individuals:

Cigarettes and Orange face paint. Solid.

righteous!

As if seeing the Oompa Loompas drinkin’, smokin’ and being abnormally sized wasn’t enough, we soon learned that they weren’t just there to party. They were there to work, or more specifically, to get down with their lil’ selves in a dance number only cool if performed by small individuals with orange face paing. On a stage in the middle of the dance floor flanked by Nicky Hilton, David Katzenberg, and Josh Hartnett, our pint-sized friends put on quite the show:

After seeing something like that, you can only imagine that we got the jitterbug ourselves. The music at Neon Carnival went along with the awesomeness of everything at that party. DJ’s Joel Madden, Devin Lucien, Politik, and Jesse Marco were playing some exceptional tunes; mainly artists featured at Coachella with some great mixing. By now you’ve probably realized that this party was ridiculously bad ass and that we totally lucked out in attending it, but if you still need clarification, look no further than the list below of celebrities we just happened to miss or obliviously walk past in our drunken states:

Paris Hilton, Kellan Lutz, Danny & Chris Masterson, Hayden Panetierre, Jack Osbourne, Brandon Boyd, Devon Aoki, Simon Rex a.k.a Dirt Nasty, Scott Storch, Camilla Belle, Stacy Keibler, Abbie Cornish, Jamie-Lynn Sigler & MORE. YES MORE.

We love you, Josh Hartnett.

Nicky Hilton & David Katzenberg

Clearly this party was the climax and redemption of the weekend – we can’t figure out if that is an awesome thing or just plain sad. However; we learned that when you wing it, you really wing it and expectations are something to throw out the door. Probably the wisest and sagest advice for a weekend like that of Coachella, whether you be concerting, partying or God knows what, is to go with the flow and have FUN!

Because we can’t in good conscience give you advice about how to prepare for Coachella, we’d like to share with you the steps we’ll be taking in anticipation for next year – when we actually go.

1. Save money – a lot of money, and start saving early. You’ll be throwin’ down cash on food, bevvies, and lodging for three two nights/three days, plus gasoline and your $300 festival pass. The organizers used to provide the option of single-day tickets, but now you’ve got to invest in the 3-day pass if you want to go at all.
2. Figure out where you’re going to stay. Hotels in the area book up fast, as do the campsites within the festival grounds. If you’re lucky enough to have a friend or relative with a house in the area, that’s another wonderful (and generally free) option.
3. If you’re not camping on-site and have to find your way back to the Polo Fields each day, take into consideration the immense traffic you will be facing when trying to park. It is a serious nightmare, and one of the best ways around it is to deposit your vehicle on the street as soon as you see the line of cars waiting to get into the lot, hop on a bike and cycle yourself right into the fest terrain.
4. Camping at Coachella is an entire entity unto itself. Apparently, if you get there Thursday night, you’re eligible for some righteous prizes! We’d explain it to you ourselves, but because the people who actually make the rules probably know them better than two chicks who’ve never been, here is the link to the Camping Info portion of the Coachella site. Go.
5. Buy tickets. Hm, what a grand idea.

‘Til our next adventure,                                     

Lauren & Shayna